Day 48

I have not posted in a long while about my weaning. And truth be told, I am not even sure if this is a post about weaning, either. I'm not sure what this is a post about. I know I'm in a place where I don't actually know or "get" how I feel right now, and I think the only way to figure that out is to start writing about it.

The last few days, I've felt really messed up, emotionally. It's not the kind of messed up I'm used to, or that I expect about a week and a half before my period starts. No, I already had those 2 or so days where I was very emotional and touchy about two weeks ago. The last few days I feel like something just isn't operating right... I feel like I was creating drama in my primary relationship that didn't actually exist, and like when I'm in groups of my friends, I don't understand what I'm doing there. With my friends, it's confusing, because I keep getting the sense that I'll feel better when I'm in the presence of these people who I am comforted by. The last few days, however, I am in these groups of people, and all I can get the sense of, is that I don't belong. I feel out of place, and I don't understand how I fit in. It's an awkwardness and intense discomfort that makes absolutely no sense to me.

What's worse is when I started to think about the fact that I feel really messed up from my social interactions of the last few days, it really started to upset me. I started to get those familiar mental images, these flashes of doing self-harm; stabbing and slashing and ripping out of internal organs. The usual way I deal with my self-harm imagery is by acknowledging it, acknowledging that there is some meaning and purpose for desiring to harm myself, and then trying to figure out what it means. In this case, I didn't do that because it felt like my insides were screaming, "No. I don't fucking want to figure this out. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on."

Maybe this means I need more time. I'm not sure. I'm scared it means that... I guess I'm scared that it means that I can't do this. I'm scared I can't do this weaning thing. I'm scared that there is something essentially so fucked up about me that I can't handle going off these meds. I'm scared that these feelings I've been dealing with are representative of the problems I will always have without pharmaceutical intervention. I'm scared that I will, in fact, fail.

Day 30: Pretutorial update

Today is the first day in about 4 days that I've actually left the house for a substantial amount of time. And I am already exhausted. It might be that I didn't get enough sleep (I haven't been sleep very well, lately), or that I haven't been eating very well and thus my body feels like crap, but I would guess more likely than not that I can credit withdrawal symptoms.

I've found it interesting that along with the waves of nausea that I've been getting with withdrawal, that it seems I'm more susceptible to motion sickness.

I'm grateful that I've had the time to just bum around/rest the last few days. I'm trying to be more gentle with myself, especially during my withdrawal periods. I'm almost a week in to my latest reduction, and I've got my fingers crossed that I'm halfway through my symptoms. I'm not sure if it's because I've had more time to rest, but I get the sense that my symptoms aren't as severe this time around.

I had a really nice, relaxing, long walk along the quay the other day. It's nice to take time to do things for my personal well-being. I'm still only figuring out how to do that.

Day 25: Another reduction

So, two nights ago I reduced down to 10mg, significantly ahead of schedule of my original weaning plan.

I thought about it quite a bit before deciding to push ahead my reduction schedule. I'd officially decided to drop/not complete one of my courses for the semester. Really, I was already frighteningly behind in the class, and unable to give it the kind of attention I really thought it deserved (especially as it's a course essential to my Minor). I figured if I was dropping the class anyway, it would be better to focus on my weaning, and hopefully finish it up earlier so Future Susan won't struggle as much in her summer semester.

While I am a little nervous about starting another reduction ahead of schedule, I comfort myself knowing that my doctor did in fact advise me that I could do all this faster or slower, depending on how comfortable I am. Also, it's making it so much easier to know that I have people who are supportive of me, who I can lean on if I need help. It's also been really, really helpful to have appointments with my counselor every few weeks, if only to check in and help keep me grounded in this process.

The one unfortunate thing about reducing, is that every evening is no longer like a colourful Easter of pills.

Day 16: A change in plan?

I am considering slightly altering my current weaning schedule.

Basically, if I am going to be technically failing one of my courses because I'm not going to complete it, I want to feel like I'm compensating with progress elsewhere. So while I am beginning to feel normal from day to day again (meaning my withdrawal from the last decrease is coming to a close), I was thinking that instead of giving myself two weeks of recovery before doing my next reduction, that I'll instead halve that, and give myself one week of downtime.

I'm not sure if this is the best choice to make, and I'm still pondering it... But I want to feel like I'm actually doing something with my life and my time. I want to feel like I'm being productive somehow.

Day 15: Irony

I've spent the last two weeks mostly feeling like a giant bag of physical poop. Despite that, my mood wasn't so bad; I mostly just felt tired, without any of those sneaky emotional issues tackling me.

It's almost funny that as my withdrawal symptoms are starting to subside, I've been hit with a wave of -- I don't even know what to call it when I get like this. Maybe, my emo-ness, my emptiness, one of My Moods. It's too bright and sunny outside. I've closed the blinds, I'm listening to Damien Rice, and I'm staying in. I don't feel like seeing people. I feel like burrowing, and fitting myself into a small space under a desk.


I'm not going to complete one of the courses I'm signed up for this semester. Whether it's my own laziness disguised as self-concern that I can't cope with it, or my own stupidity, or whatever, it doesn't really matter I guess.

Feck, I'm remembering why I try not to write when I'm like this. I am patheti-sad.

Day 7, or, Blaaaaargh

The last few days I have been feeling generally very exhausted from very little effort. I've had a lot of difficulty concentrating on things and thinking/reasoning about anything of significant complexity. For the most part my appetite has been kinda off, and my head feeling generally weird.

Basically, I feel like shiiiiiiit. Yay to withdrawal-y symptoms lasting only another week and a half or so before I get two weeks to rest.

And then another reduction, and thus, another two weeks of feeling pretty damn crappy before another two weeks of rest.

Ugh, I really hope I make it through this semester.

Day 5

Technically I've been on 15mg since March 3rd, but since I take my meds at night before going to bed, I didn't really start to feel any withdrawal effects until March 5th.

I'm having difficulty distinguishing what exactly the effects are right now, because I've also got some kind of cold, and am also possibly dealing with allergies. Mostly I've been feeling very tired, and occasionally I'll be hit with waves of dizziness, lightheadedness, and mild vertigo. I seem to be having a harder time concentrating on things (which has already been not so good of late). My head has just been feeling kinda weird, in general. Like, a discomforting fuzziness, and sometimes slight pain either in the temples or at the back of my head.

All of this makes it even more difficult to actually be productive. When I already don't want to do schoolwork, it gets even harder to convince myself to get stuff done when I feel all weird and tired and crappy. Mostly I kinda just want to lay around and do nothing. Of course, this isn't all that different from me in my normal state.

I kinda worry that I'm just using withdrawal as an excuse to be lazy. I have interesting guilt complexes around productivity, which I struggled a lot with through some of my major depressive episodes. I would think that I was just using my crushing emotional disorder as an excuse to not get things done. I've since been learning to be more gentle with myself, and cut myself more slack. ...But I still worry I'm just being lazy.

Argh. I need to be working on an assignment that's due online at midnight. And I really don't want to work on it because my head feels all fuzzy. But I know I have to. I wonder how finishing off this semester is going to go while I'm dealing with all this withdrawal stuff...