Day 48

I have not posted in a long while about my weaning. And truth be told, I am not even sure if this is a post about weaning, either. I'm not sure what this is a post about. I know I'm in a place where I don't actually know or "get" how I feel right now, and I think the only way to figure that out is to start writing about it.

The last few days, I've felt really messed up, emotionally. It's not the kind of messed up I'm used to, or that I expect about a week and a half before my period starts. No, I already had those 2 or so days where I was very emotional and touchy about two weeks ago. The last few days I feel like something just isn't operating right... I feel like I was creating drama in my primary relationship that didn't actually exist, and like when I'm in groups of my friends, I don't understand what I'm doing there. With my friends, it's confusing, because I keep getting the sense that I'll feel better when I'm in the presence of these people who I am comforted by. The last few days, however, I am in these groups of people, and all I can get the sense of, is that I don't belong. I feel out of place, and I don't understand how I fit in. It's an awkwardness and intense discomfort that makes absolutely no sense to me.

What's worse is when I started to think about the fact that I feel really messed up from my social interactions of the last few days, it really started to upset me. I started to get those familiar mental images, these flashes of doing self-harm; stabbing and slashing and ripping out of internal organs. The usual way I deal with my self-harm imagery is by acknowledging it, acknowledging that there is some meaning and purpose for desiring to harm myself, and then trying to figure out what it means. In this case, I didn't do that because it felt like my insides were screaming, "No. I don't fucking want to figure this out. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on."

Maybe this means I need more time. I'm not sure. I'm scared it means that... I guess I'm scared that it means that I can't do this. I'm scared I can't do this weaning thing. I'm scared that there is something essentially so fucked up about me that I can't handle going off these meds. I'm scared that these feelings I've been dealing with are representative of the problems I will always have without pharmaceutical intervention. I'm scared that I will, in fact, fail.

Day 30: Pretutorial update

Today is the first day in about 4 days that I've actually left the house for a substantial amount of time. And I am already exhausted. It might be that I didn't get enough sleep (I haven't been sleep very well, lately), or that I haven't been eating very well and thus my body feels like crap, but I would guess more likely than not that I can credit withdrawal symptoms.

I've found it interesting that along with the waves of nausea that I've been getting with withdrawal, that it seems I'm more susceptible to motion sickness.

I'm grateful that I've had the time to just bum around/rest the last few days. I'm trying to be more gentle with myself, especially during my withdrawal periods. I'm almost a week in to my latest reduction, and I've got my fingers crossed that I'm halfway through my symptoms. I'm not sure if it's because I've had more time to rest, but I get the sense that my symptoms aren't as severe this time around.

I had a really nice, relaxing, long walk along the quay the other day. It's nice to take time to do things for my personal well-being. I'm still only figuring out how to do that.