Day 25: Another reduction

So, two nights ago I reduced down to 10mg, significantly ahead of schedule of my original weaning plan.

I thought about it quite a bit before deciding to push ahead my reduction schedule. I'd officially decided to drop/not complete one of my courses for the semester. Really, I was already frighteningly behind in the class, and unable to give it the kind of attention I really thought it deserved (especially as it's a course essential to my Minor). I figured if I was dropping the class anyway, it would be better to focus on my weaning, and hopefully finish it up earlier so Future Susan won't struggle as much in her summer semester.

While I am a little nervous about starting another reduction ahead of schedule, I comfort myself knowing that my doctor did in fact advise me that I could do all this faster or slower, depending on how comfortable I am. Also, it's making it so much easier to know that I have people who are supportive of me, who I can lean on if I need help. It's also been really, really helpful to have appointments with my counselor every few weeks, if only to check in and help keep me grounded in this process.

The one unfortunate thing about reducing, is that every evening is no longer like a colourful Easter of pills.

Day 16: A change in plan?

I am considering slightly altering my current weaning schedule.

Basically, if I am going to be technically failing one of my courses because I'm not going to complete it, I want to feel like I'm compensating with progress elsewhere. So while I am beginning to feel normal from day to day again (meaning my withdrawal from the last decrease is coming to a close), I was thinking that instead of giving myself two weeks of recovery before doing my next reduction, that I'll instead halve that, and give myself one week of downtime.

I'm not sure if this is the best choice to make, and I'm still pondering it... But I want to feel like I'm actually doing something with my life and my time. I want to feel like I'm being productive somehow.

Day 15: Irony

I've spent the last two weeks mostly feeling like a giant bag of physical poop. Despite that, my mood wasn't so bad; I mostly just felt tired, without any of those sneaky emotional issues tackling me.

It's almost funny that as my withdrawal symptoms are starting to subside, I've been hit with a wave of -- I don't even know what to call it when I get like this. Maybe, my emo-ness, my emptiness, one of My Moods. It's too bright and sunny outside. I've closed the blinds, I'm listening to Damien Rice, and I'm staying in. I don't feel like seeing people. I feel like burrowing, and fitting myself into a small space under a desk.


I'm not going to complete one of the courses I'm signed up for this semester. Whether it's my own laziness disguised as self-concern that I can't cope with it, or my own stupidity, or whatever, it doesn't really matter I guess.

Feck, I'm remembering why I try not to write when I'm like this. I am patheti-sad.

Day 7, or, Blaaaaargh

The last few days I have been feeling generally very exhausted from very little effort. I've had a lot of difficulty concentrating on things and thinking/reasoning about anything of significant complexity. For the most part my appetite has been kinda off, and my head feeling generally weird.

Basically, I feel like shiiiiiiit. Yay to withdrawal-y symptoms lasting only another week and a half or so before I get two weeks to rest.

And then another reduction, and thus, another two weeks of feeling pretty damn crappy before another two weeks of rest.

Ugh, I really hope I make it through this semester.

Day 5

Technically I've been on 15mg since March 3rd, but since I take my meds at night before going to bed, I didn't really start to feel any withdrawal effects until March 5th.

I'm having difficulty distinguishing what exactly the effects are right now, because I've also got some kind of cold, and am also possibly dealing with allergies. Mostly I've been feeling very tired, and occasionally I'll be hit with waves of dizziness, lightheadedness, and mild vertigo. I seem to be having a harder time concentrating on things (which has already been not so good of late). My head has just been feeling kinda weird, in general. Like, a discomforting fuzziness, and sometimes slight pain either in the temples or at the back of my head.

All of this makes it even more difficult to actually be productive. When I already don't want to do schoolwork, it gets even harder to convince myself to get stuff done when I feel all weird and tired and crappy. Mostly I kinda just want to lay around and do nothing. Of course, this isn't all that different from me in my normal state.

I kinda worry that I'm just using withdrawal as an excuse to be lazy. I have interesting guilt complexes around productivity, which I struggled a lot with through some of my major depressive episodes. I would think that I was just using my crushing emotional disorder as an excuse to not get things done. I've since been learning to be more gentle with myself, and cut myself more slack. ...But I still worry I'm just being lazy.

Argh. I need to be working on an assignment that's due online at midnight. And I really don't want to work on it because my head feels all fuzzy. But I know I have to. I wonder how finishing off this semester is going to go while I'm dealing with all this withdrawal stuff...

An Intro of sorts

I have been on anti-depressants (more specifically, paroxetine aka Paxil, an SSRI) for over 5 years.

When I first started on them, I really needed them. I mean, I was crying constantly, and was majorly depressed, and dealing with a lot of suicide idealization. I had a lot of social stressors in my life at the time, too.

I think, though, that I am so very, very different from who I was 5 years ago, and where I was 5 years ago, that I don't need to be on Paxil anymore. I think I'm at a good, stable, place in my life right now. I'm in a very supportive romantic relationship, I'll soon be signing another year's lease on where I'm currently living, and I've quit my job to focus on finishing up my education. I think I may be ready to wean off of Paxil.

I say weaning, because, those familiar with SSRIs know that it is a very difficult process to stop taking them. Your body pretty much makes you feel like you want to die by giving you fun things like dizziness, headaches, nausea, etc. So, this weaning process generally needs to be done very slowly for the least horrific withdrawal results.

I'm currently on 20mg/day, and starting tomorrow, I take my first drop to 15mg/day. The first two weeks after the decrease, I will be dealing with adjustment/minor withdrawal, and then have another two weeks respite before my next drop to 10mg/day. According to the weaning plan I developed with my doctor, I could be done as early as June 4th, or as late as July 4th. Technically I could do this a lot faster, and beat the shit out of my body/mind to get this done in 2 months time, but I'm going to try to be gentle with myself and my body. I could speed this process up, or I can slow it down, depending on what works for me.

I'm probably going to be blogging with some regularity about this process. It's kinda an emotional one too. In the last 5 years, I've always sorta had my Paxil to hang on to. I'm scared that I'll slip back to those depressive depths of adolescence. I'm scared I'll go back to constantly wanting to hurt myself, or kill myself. I worry sometimes that I don't know exactly who I am when I'm not on them. Of course, my counselor made the point that I am definitely not the same person that I was 2.5-3 years ago. And I've had plenty of self-harm thoughts even when I have been on my Paxil.

I know that I have support. I have a very loving primary partner, and so very many friends who will lift me up if only I reach out to them. And I also have other medical options for my most emotionally difficult times of the month (usually the week before and first few days of my period); antidepressants that can be taken for even, 10 days at a time if needed, and without withdrawal side effects (like Zoloft and Prozac).

I am scared, but I am excited. I'm excited to see where this leads me. I'm excited for the SSRI side effects to wear off. I'm excited to see how this affects and changes my behaviour and how I live my life.


The first reduction is tomorrow night. *deep breaths* Bring it.