Day 175: Totally still alive

I am very nearly amazed that it's been some 2 months since I've posted anything here. Except when I really think about it, I am not so very surprised; I have a pretty terrible history of taking the time to do important self-care activities such as journal-ing when everything isn't obviously falling down around me.

It's been a topic my counselor and I have discussed in our last two sessions together. It's interesting, because we were discussing the difficulty I have in making time for these things because even though I recognize intellectually that it's probably an important part of my mental health and self-care, at the end of the day, I don't really think I'm important enough. Taking time to check in and actively do good things for myself feels overindulgent and unnecessary. Having now been in counseling for several years, I am often impressed when I think about how far I've come and what tools I've learned to use to help cope with all the shit that bombards me when I've slipped into a negative place. When I think about all this progress that I'm still struggling through, it can be an unpleasant surprise to see how the values I've internalized over many years still affects my day-to-day framing, and impedes me from living as complete a life as I would like to. It's also a struggle to acknowledge that doing these self-care activities could help keep me from slipping back into those negative places I have been so intimately acquainted with these many years.

Two sessions ago, I walked out of the counselor's office with an optimistic idea and mission: I would actively schedule self-care time into my google calendar. Alas, even hours later I was thinking of reasons and excuses to procrastinate doing it. And then I was in the midst of finals and whatnot for school, so naturally I didn't have time for self-care, which was clearly inferior in importance to studying.

My greatest frustration I've faced during counseling has been the disconnect between my head and my heart; I intellectually understand plenty of stuff, like the importance of self-care, or the illogical cognitive processes I take when I'm sinking into depression, or that in actuality, I am a decent person who deserves love and happiness... and yet, and yet, and yet... it often feels so ridiculously impossible to emotionally buy-in to any of it. It feels so silly to be sitting there, refuting disordered thinking/logic out loud, while still crying and snotting because I'm emotionally buying in to that very disordered thinking! And all I really have to hold on to in this, is the hope that by reinforcing the actions/behaviours, I will be able to change how I feel. Yes, pretty classic Cognitive-Behavioural reasoning, and I think it could work... I really just wish it weren't so frickin' difficult.

And so, here I am, actively pursuing self-care through journal-ing. I have (for real) scheduled time in ye olde google calendar to journal at least once a week, whether here or elsewhere. I am also hoping that through this commitment to myself, I can instill the confidence to finish this weaning off of Paxil. I have been sitting at 5 mg/day since May 18th, definitely making this stage where I've longest lingered. At first I was simply not confident enough in my moods, and then I was unwilling to do the work on myself to feel secure in moving on. I am ready to take my last step before being completely SSRI-free: 5 mg every other day until I feel ready to stop altogether. The progress has been agonizingly slow, but in some ways, very necessary. I especially know that it will be absolutely essential for me to focus on self-care as I finish my weaning into the Fall and Winter season. November and December have historically been emotionally difficult months for me, and I will really need to be vigilant and guard against the usual factors that drag me down.


It's been so long since I last journal-ed that I've got so many disjointed thoughts about things I want to flesh out and discuss. I've already spent an hour writing, though, and I'm not sure whether it's a good idea to try my patience by getting everything out now, or to try the patience of the friends who may just end up skimming this post when they see how long it's ended up being :P. I will mention that I want to talk about some social justice/anti-oppression nihilism that I've been struggling with, and how that's been affecting my friendships. I'll also likely soon write about academic achievement/anxiety and the anxiety/fear of balancing things in my life starting in the Fall semester. (These are notes to remind myself about stuff i want to write about later) Oh, also, I am thinking about starting up some kind of weekly link/story roundup of social justice/anti-oppression articles, in which I will include my impressions and thoughts.