Day 114: It's an underwhelming experience, recognizing one's apathy

The symptoms are familiar. Listlessness, the desire to shy away from my friends, a semi-constant weight in my chest saying, "This existence is so tiring, isn't it?" I open my google calendar and look at all the things to do, people to see in the next couple of months, and I realize, I could go without any of it. The things I usually enjoy don't really mean anything. The brightness of the sun is almost offensive to me. I am apathetic or misanthropic. This life feels like a burden. Emotions and apathy are burdens.

I remember adolescent Me. I'm mildly concerned in seeing the sense of her thoughts and ideas regarding alienating those who care about her for the sole purpose of making it easier on them when she finally got up the courage to disappear, one way or another. However, just as she wasn't strong enough to pull it off, I've got too much sense and experience telling me that it probably would not work.

I still sometimes lament the fact that I am generally a social creature. It does not matter too much in my mind if I die. I would sometimes prefer the peace. But by putting down social roots and creating relationships with people, I make it impossible to just check out of Life. It would be my right, I think. I believe in my bodily autonomy and my decision to do with my body and life what I choose. But I am forced to choose life out of empathy for those who are attached to me. This just seems to tire me even more.

These feelings are not everyday. They are not 24/7. But they have been often enough in the last few weeks.




I reduced to 5mg a little over 5 weeks ago. I last saw my counselor almost 2 months ago.
...I should probably make an appointment with her.