An Intro of sorts

I have been on anti-depressants (more specifically, paroxetine aka Paxil, an SSRI) for over 5 years.

When I first started on them, I really needed them. I mean, I was crying constantly, and was majorly depressed, and dealing with a lot of suicide idealization. I had a lot of social stressors in my life at the time, too.

I think, though, that I am so very, very different from who I was 5 years ago, and where I was 5 years ago, that I don't need to be on Paxil anymore. I think I'm at a good, stable, place in my life right now. I'm in a very supportive romantic relationship, I'll soon be signing another year's lease on where I'm currently living, and I've quit my job to focus on finishing up my education. I think I may be ready to wean off of Paxil.

I say weaning, because, those familiar with SSRIs know that it is a very difficult process to stop taking them. Your body pretty much makes you feel like you want to die by giving you fun things like dizziness, headaches, nausea, etc. So, this weaning process generally needs to be done very slowly for the least horrific withdrawal results.

I'm currently on 20mg/day, and starting tomorrow, I take my first drop to 15mg/day. The first two weeks after the decrease, I will be dealing with adjustment/minor withdrawal, and then have another two weeks respite before my next drop to 10mg/day. According to the weaning plan I developed with my doctor, I could be done as early as June 4th, or as late as July 4th. Technically I could do this a lot faster, and beat the shit out of my body/mind to get this done in 2 months time, but I'm going to try to be gentle with myself and my body. I could speed this process up, or I can slow it down, depending on what works for me.

I'm probably going to be blogging with some regularity about this process. It's kinda an emotional one too. In the last 5 years, I've always sorta had my Paxil to hang on to. I'm scared that I'll slip back to those depressive depths of adolescence. I'm scared I'll go back to constantly wanting to hurt myself, or kill myself. I worry sometimes that I don't know exactly who I am when I'm not on them. Of course, my counselor made the point that I am definitely not the same person that I was 2.5-3 years ago. And I've had plenty of self-harm thoughts even when I have been on my Paxil.

I know that I have support. I have a very loving primary partner, and so very many friends who will lift me up if only I reach out to them. And I also have other medical options for my most emotionally difficult times of the month (usually the week before and first few days of my period); antidepressants that can be taken for even, 10 days at a time if needed, and without withdrawal side effects (like Zoloft and Prozac).

I am scared, but I am excited. I'm excited to see where this leads me. I'm excited for the SSRI side effects to wear off. I'm excited to see how this affects and changes my behaviour and how I live my life.


The first reduction is tomorrow night. *deep breaths* Bring it.